George Carlin 25 Best Quotes you should know it will change your life | Smile, Laugh | Arik Quotes Evereday
George Carlin 25 Best Quotes you should know it will change your life | Smile, Laugh | Arik Quotes Evereday
1. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
2. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”
3. “Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
4. “Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”
5. “Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
6. “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
7. “That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
8. “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
9. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
10. “There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. ”
11. “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
12. “I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.”
13. “The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
14. “We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna save the fuckin' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin' great. It's been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn't goin' anywhere, folks. We are! We're goin' away. Pack your shit, we're goin' away. And we won't leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we'll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.”
14. “Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”
15. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.”
16. “Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.”
17. “Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”
18. “People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.'
If you didn't know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you'd seen.
They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the 'mind adventures' got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren't unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.'
So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.”
19. “He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.”
20. “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
21. “The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.”
22. “Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
23. “I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.'" Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, "We're the So-and-Sos," take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it's unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don't participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you're not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.”
24. “I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”
25. “I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.... These two institutions screw us up enough
on their own, so both of them together is
certain death.”
George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American comedian, actor, author, and social critic. Regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comedians of all time, he was dubbed "the dean of counterculture comedians". He was known for his black comedy and reflections on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and taboo subjects. His "seven dirty words" routine was central to the 1978 United States Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a 5–4 decision affirmed the government's power to censor indecent material on public airwaves.
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